Among all people, I am all alone
Among all hearts, I am unloved
Among all goals, I am aimless
Among all friends, I am lonely.
I walk a step ahead, & two back at the same time
I dream of heaven in night, & live in hell at the same time
I sleep restless, to wake up numb
I live everyday to die every night, to rise again next day.
Walking through shards of mirror of mine
I bleed to lead, to bleed once again sometime.
Act sane before all, to go insane in loneliness
Contradiction of sorts is this ghostly existence of mine.
Rescue me sweetheart, or let me go
Hold on to me tight, or give me a blow.
Decide my fate, hang me not till infinity
Life is running away too fast, & the end is arriving too slow.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Iris
Sometimes it is extremely difficult for me to understand what I am? I have been trying to get back to 'A' but in reality I am only allowed to live as 'K'. Another post on self assessment (!?!) but rather the truth is that I have long forgotten who I really am? I feel like I have lost my voice somewhere along with my innocence & wisdom. My life at this moment is in complete shambles, a sort of contradictions of all the meanings of anything I know. What do I do? Does anyone know an answer to this?
All I could think of is Goo Goo Dolls singing IRIS.
########################
Iris
And I'd give up forever to touch you
cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
cause sooner or later its over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you cant fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everythings made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don't want the world to see me
cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everythings made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I dont want the world to see me
cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everythings made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
########################
Friday, March 02, 2007
Remembrance of An Soon-To-Be Bygone Era
Another time, I have not been to office for more than 10 continuous days. I didn't care to either inform anyone or tell anyone about my whereabouts. I just didn't feel the need to inform a bunch of people who hasn't long cared for those people who make them what they are today, Manager! Good Joke! Yes, my managers are worse than the worst binch of mismanaged jokers but what I can say. They are what they are and not willing to change. Can't help it.
I don't know what kind of relation I have with W*; love it & hate it at the same time. Can't live in it and incomplete is my existence without it. So many months, so many people, so many precious memories, so many thoughts. But like everything comes to an end, it is coming to an end too. 15th March is the day and as it is coming closer, a sense of gloom & ecstacy, a feeling of belongingness & mutual distrust are turning up inside me strangely. I am going to leave a lot of things behind & carry forward a lot of others, a lot of mixed baggage which wasn't entirely my own purchase but thrust upon me, but I will still do the needful. But in this whole process, I have lost my true self somewhere. As I look back at last 1 and half year of blogging, I see myself describing all sorts of pain, frustation, a strange state of inertia, heading nowhere. From being a very normal person, I have grown to be a sort of a loner and I like myself in that sort of state. It gives me the ability to think clearly and power to know myself much better which is something very few people can claim and I am proud of it. I have learnt a lot of interesting new things in a very short frame of time.
As I look back a little further, these four years in Mumbai have transformed me into a completely different person. Like the one in the movie, 'A Beautiful Mind'. I know the comparison of two characters are too big, but so are similarities. One day, I am sure my schizophrenia would take over my existence. I am not saying this in a state of depression or despair, but I can foresee the storm building far away. I find myself getting a good hand at everything, like photography, writing, computer science, management, history, philosophy, travels, etc. But just when I am about to find a meaningful existence in life, and a few things I do to amuse myself; I find them to be meant to the fulfillment of someone else's happiness; & I am back at work, at square one because they are scared of knowing the real me. In this strange mix of of sheer intelligence, creativity, passion, devotion & dedication, I am not sure how soon I would reach the state of being certified schizophrenic. I am slowly getting extremely scared of people's now...
While reading some literary works, I came across this piece of poetry, which is a perfect description of my state of affairs..
I don't know what kind of relation I have with W*; love it & hate it at the same time. Can't live in it and incomplete is my existence without it. So many months, so many people, so many precious memories, so many thoughts. But like everything comes to an end, it is coming to an end too. 15th March is the day and as it is coming closer, a sense of gloom & ecstacy, a feeling of belongingness & mutual distrust are turning up inside me strangely. I am going to leave a lot of things behind & carry forward a lot of others, a lot of mixed baggage which wasn't entirely my own purchase but thrust upon me, but I will still do the needful. But in this whole process, I have lost my true self somewhere. As I look back at last 1 and half year of blogging, I see myself describing all sorts of pain, frustation, a strange state of inertia, heading nowhere. From being a very normal person, I have grown to be a sort of a loner and I like myself in that sort of state. It gives me the ability to think clearly and power to know myself much better which is something very few people can claim and I am proud of it. I have learnt a lot of interesting new things in a very short frame of time.
As I look back a little further, these four years in Mumbai have transformed me into a completely different person. Like the one in the movie, 'A Beautiful Mind'. I know the comparison of two characters are too big, but so are similarities. One day, I am sure my schizophrenia would take over my existence. I am not saying this in a state of depression or despair, but I can foresee the storm building far away. I find myself getting a good hand at everything, like photography, writing, computer science, management, history, philosophy, travels, etc. But just when I am about to find a meaningful existence in life, and a few things I do to amuse myself; I find them to be meant to the fulfillment of someone else's happiness; & I am back at work, at square one because they are scared of knowing the real me. In this strange mix of of sheer intelligence, creativity, passion, devotion & dedication, I am not sure how soon I would reach the state of being certified schizophrenic. I am slowly getting extremely scared of people's now...
While reading some literary works, I came across this piece of poetry, which is a perfect description of my state of affairs..
Will
YOU will be what you will to be;
Let failure find its false content
In that poor word "environment,"
But spirit scorns it, and is free,
It masters time, it conquers space,
It cows that boastful trickster Chance,
And bids the tyrant Circumstance
Uncrown and fill a servant's place.
The human Will, that force unseen,
The offspring of a deathless Soul,
Can hew the way to any goal,
Though walls of granite intervene.
Be not impatient in delay,
But wait as one who understands;
When spirit rises and commands,
The gods are ready to obey.
The river seeking for the sea
Confronts the dam and precipice,
Yet knows it cannot fail or miss;
You will be what you will to be!
Written by Ella Wheeler Wilcox
PS:- There may be a day in not so distant future, when I might very well disown these thoughts being mine in their entirety or partly. Would love to see what future holds in its chest of treasure for me...
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