Just Like That - Another Night, Another Day

It happened again. One more time we planned & failed the plan. Sounds funny; doesn't it. But I cried, again. Boys are not supposed to, right? Whatever! Once more, we planned an outting to spend time together, that planned got crushed by someone else but we planned something else. I waited the whole night to go there and spend a few invaluable hours walking & talking. She said that she would call late last night and let me know where to see her in the morning so that we could go out on our little sojourn. But predictably enough, she didn't call me. Just like she didn't bother to tell me on Friday what time she would be leaving the office. I was still there, after my office on a stupid sunday when no soul would call because everyone (but some of us, unfortunate souls) is celebrating Christmas. 7.00 AM, yes that was the time. Sipping on a cup of tea, I am watching my cellphone, waiting for her to reply to the SMS I sent earlier on my way.

"Good Morning Sleepy Head, Remember something".

I finally left at 8 AM after 16 hours of wait for the baby of a plan. I didn't get a reply until 10.30 am.

"We are not going out. Take a nice sleep."

Thank You, R...

Everybody Hurts, Sometimes

Sometimes, in one's life, when everything seems like coming back on track, it just has to happen so suddenly, throwing everything off the good path. It has to suddenly start rolling downhill. I sure know how to fix things, but what about those which are governed by others. The factors that are under control of whom I love most in my life. The people I trust most & blindly believe them for whatever they are to me. Consequently, I am left nursing heartache for weeks, months & years. Just when I thought I had found someone working on the same frequency as mine, it is turning ugly with no communication at all to clarify what's going on? I wish to tell a lot of tales, see a lot of place & do a lot of things together with that person, but does that matter to her? I wonder...

Everyody Hurts
By R.E.M.

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone

###

Ae Fond Kiss, and then We Sever

It' been a long time since i have found any little time for myself. Mostly been busy with my office work after my visit to hospital and having been a little lost in my forest of thoughts, I today read that there is a book sale in Oxford. Had to say that I desperately need to read something good & it has been a long time since I've purchased a poem collection. So finally I decided to pay homage to one of my favorite poets, Robert Burns. Tomorrow, when I get up and leave to visit the bookstore, the first one in my wishlist would be a Robert Burns book. Since my days in Kolkata when I developed a taste in Poetry, I've been longing to make a nice poetry collection. CD Wrights, William Butler Yeats, Robert Burns are some of those writers who fuel my imagination, give me ideas & subjects and amuse me to no ends. There is unbridled joy, pang of remorse & regret, death, visualization of scenaries, separation & what not. Just to remind me of what is there in store for me, here is a poem from Robert Burns.


Ae Fond Kiss, and then We Sever

by Robert Burns
(1759-1796)

---

Ae fond kiss, and then we sever;
Ae fareweel, and then for ever!
Deep in heart-wrung tears I'll pledge thee,
Warring sighs and groans I'll wage thee.

Who shall say that Fortune grieves him
While the star of hope she leaves him?
Me, nae cheerful twinkle lights me,
Dark despair around benights me.

I'll ne'er blame my partial fancy;
Naething could resist my Nancy;
But to see her was to love her,
Love but her, and love for ever.

Had we never loved sae kindly,
Had we never loved sae blindly,
Never met -or never parted,
We had ne'er been broken-hearted.

Fare thee weel, thou first and fairest!
Fare thee weel, thou best and dearest!
Thine be ilka joy and treasure,
Peace, enjoyment, love, and pleasure!

Ae fond kiss, and then we sever;
Ae fareweel, alas, for ever!
Deep in heart-wrung tears I'll pledge thee,
Warring sighs and groans I'll wage thee.

###

A Hero, Manjunath Shanmugam

Everyday you live your life like vegetables and just live the day. Day after day just pass by and there is nothing exciting or inspiring you do. And then you come across a person who shakes your system, your faith in such a way that you now want to do something instead of just sitting idle, living your life & one day, just die.

India, for sure, has become one such place where people need a reason, an inspiration, some sort of shock to wake up from the limbo they are perenially in. For example, it took a 'Rang De Basanti' to gather support for Jessica Lall case which was earlier lacking enough witness & look at it now. You have enough to hang the convict. Similarly, it took the life of a bright, progessive, patriot IIM graduate to realise how corrupt our system is.

Yes, I am talking about Manjunath Shanmugam who was with Indion Oil Corporation at Lucknow. He gave up a lucarative career after being in IIT and IIM, the most respectable edutcation institutes in perhaps South-East Asia and among the brightest in the World. I admire his passion for serving the country he was born in, even though he knew how white-blooded we have become since independence. Even more, I salute the integrity of his character which withstood the pressure of the society to become one like them & shine out like a star in the sky to guide and inspuire the rest.

I am pretty sure that it wouldn't change an iota of difference in most peoples life. They have become used to being shameless, being a part of the crowd and follow a beaten path & just die like any one of them. But my friend, you have jumped many many places in my list of heroes & would always be there. I have my dreams, my goals & I shall do whatever I need to carry them out. But I am sure, when my conviction falls weak & I look up for inspiration & strength, you would always be there amongst my guiding stars.

For those interested, You may visit Manjunath Shanmugam Trust @
http://syg.com/web/manjunath/

Confessions of A Small Town Boy

Going through one revelation after another & confrontation with situations unimaginable to a boy like me, my life is a roller-coster ride right now. Everyday is a brand new day & I discover something new which completely takes me by surprise. Just a couple of days ago, I was going through pages of my recent history and I saw that I was in some sort of hibernation for a long long time. Suddenly I am being woken out of this limbo and I am resisting hard to come out of the warm cocoon I've been resting in. I am trying hard to shed my ways of acting, be more open & communicative, be more appreciative of the small things I always loved. Sometimes I succeed & sometimes I fail, but I am now trying to change that stagnant me.

In this entire process, I guess I'm hurting someone. While trying to rediscover my old self, I'm sort of neglecting someone who cares for me so much that it hurts me as much. I am sorry if I am doing so because even I don't know what I am doing. I am just a self-centered moron right now and only sane thing I can possibly say in my senses right now is this song:

Elvis Presley - Your Were Always On My Mind

Maybe I didnt treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didnt love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasnt died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied

Maybe I didnt hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
Im so happy that youre mine
If I make you feel second best
Girl, I'm sorry I was blind

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasnt died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied

Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You are always on my mind
You are always on my mind

Enrich

Strange were those days,
My living like a autumn leaf
Wandering directionless entire day
Flowing with the wind to destinations unknown.
Until you stepped into my life,
I stood helpless & guardless before you,
That was begining of glory days.

Feeling lost in your love
I tread now in unknown territories
Lost in a certain aloofness,
See the doe-eyed deers smiling at me,
Dream of my abode in a valley of flowers,
You playing with violet & blue daisies near the lake,
This air filled with scent of your love,
Running through my veins alongside my blood.

Once again I am in love,
Seems like I could end war with my gods,
See angels flying around me again,
Hear the cathedral bells from far away,
Running through the field in pure ecstacy,
Hypnotized by the Kohl of your eyes,
I stand with you on the shore,
Watching the Orange & Purple sky celebrating our homecoming with colors,
Waves sliding back after drenching our feet,
Ocean breeze kissing your hairs,
Whispering those sweet nothings I had been telling them all along.

I could go on and on and on,
The words woud never end
Or describe the joy in my heart.
That is how special you are,
My Sweet Dreamcatcher,
Enrich my life with your colors,
Show me the world where we truly belong.

Sufi Gods

Some say that one is just another object in the whole big sky & God is running the show. I don't believe in those type of people. I don't believe in God too. Reason? He is too much of a opposite force in my pursuits. Yet I reach the higest state of consicousness when I am listening to the Sufi songs. They eliviate me to another plains and take away all the pain that my past and God give to me. They have this strange yet charming, disarming ability to sway away one's agony that he doesn't even come to know about it.

I know everyone will jump to say that aren't you contraditing your own statement. No, I am not. I just believe that all the gods that exist in common mythology is not the way I look at that supreme entity. I don't want his assistance in achieving my goals, neither do I want him to create or destroy anything that belongs to me. Let me handle it. I have enough power to carry it myself. I am bothered & disturbed most when you try to change an element in my life. Just be a silent watcher, not a catalyst. You will see a happier me.


PS: May be someday I will write more on this. Let's see.

I feel like running towards a speeding train and colliding with it and then disappear like a smoke in the air. Somebody tranquilize me before I actually do it...

I fail to understand that what could have changed overnight. Someone who until recently waved at me from a mile's distance, now just simply won't recognize my presence. Is that all I am worth for what I was before !?! Damn it, I don't get the answers, ever!

Hai Apna Dil to Awara, Najane Kis Pe Aayega ;)

Sometimes, I am not quite sure what I want. I just want to run away from people, not accept anything but seek solace in my own thoughts and just live the life for the moment, for that day & not longing to see anything or anyone but my work & the things around. Something like the song from Nelly Furtado

I'm like a bird
I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is
I don't know where my home is


But I know something for sure.

Hai apna Dil to Awara,
Najane Kis pe Aayega. ;)

Sleepless In Seattle!

Baby, curb your enthusiasm. No, I am not in Seattle, but I've been quite sleepless in last couple of weeks. No matter whatever little 3/4 hours sleep I get, it is never enough. Insomniac I am, may be a crisis always turns me into one. Who knows? Not me at least!

Damn Me!

I've been living on the edge for quite some times & now dangling dangerously to a nervous breakdown after the way customers and managers have been acting lately. I guess I am reaching the cusp of breakpoint that I fear is my limit. I never thought it could be so severe on me. I know I have a choice of solution, to accept the fact that it ain't mine or do something about it. But to coexist with it at the same plain is not the answer I am ever going to be happy with. Do I foresee a failure? Are You Kidding? I have never lost and I won't but quitting ain't loosing always, certainly not in my store of thesaurus. I know I am sort of behind in the race by many a miles, but...

Either I am running short of words or I am doing a perfect job of hiding my idiocracy. Let's see how far it goes on like this.

Spiderman, Strings & Me

Another day & I see no ray of hope coming in yet. There've been very few times when I have been so disillusioned and this being one of them, I can't help but go over the things time and time again. I can't seem to lay my fingers on something that could say it wasn't my fault. All I could feel is that How helpless Spidy must've been when he had to choose between his love & duties that automatically became his responsiblity with the powers that came with it. He is a normal person with this gift which he didn't want. But I guess all the great men assume responsibilities with such ease that it rather becomes such a part of their life that they can't part with it. I am not yet such a great but Not my Spiderman, Neither do I want to escape it.

At this moment, I can only think of the Strings song for Spiderman Movie. I don't know how do they write such beautiful lyrics but here they are...


Title: Na Jane Kyun
Album/Movie: DHAANI [ALBUM] / OST - Spiderman (Hindi)
Singer(s): STRINGS


Dekho kaise parbat se baadal gaye
Barsenge yeh ab kahan
Dekho kaise phoolon se khushbu gayi
Mahkegi yeh ab kahan

Sukh ban gaye sapne
Sab kho gaye apne
Dil bhujh gaya, ghar jal gaya
Na jaane kyoon, na jaane kyoon
Yaadon ka phir aanchal uda
Na jaane kyoon, na jaane kyoon

Dekho kaise haathon se jugnu gaye
Chamkenge yeh ab kahan
Kyoon so gayi shaamein
Kat na saki raatein
Dil bhujh gaya, ghar jal gaya
Na jaane kyon, na jaane kyon
Yaadon ka phir aanchal uda
Na jaane kyun, na jaane kyun

Dekho kaise parbat se baadal gaye
Barsenge yeh ab kahan
Dekho kaise phoolon se khushbu gayi
Mahkegi yeh ab kahan

Today, I went back to my room & found it in such a complete disarray that I just wanted to shout at my roomie. Then I found I was too tired to do anything so I just put my clothes in the bucket to wash them in the evening and go dead. Life has been pretty frustating (oxymoron) in last one week when I am not getting answers to any of my questions and I truly hate being hanging in nowhere. I've slept very little (less than 6 hours in last 3 days), been drinking frequently to subside this rage inside me and who knows what not do I do when I am in such a frenzy.

So I slept like a king from 12 noon to 8.30 PM and had to wake up finally to find that I had to wash my clothes I had soaked in the afternoon. Did the needful and got ready and out of my home just to find that my pickup didn't come or call me (When did I start caring for Pickups). Another bout of frustation hit me before I did find one company cab standing near my pickup point. I took it and came to office 25 minutes later than when I am supposed to be in. What a great start to my day! But then, What else can I expect in this place which I've explained in left at place before. Let's just hope my day goes well.

Back To Future !?!

Today, I opened Blogger to post something I was thinking about when I came to office and logged back in. Then, right there on the Blogger front page was this link which talked about a strange new world and things that made me go and read. And what a wonderful reading it has been. The best thing I liked about the Author (Peter) was his honesty in admiting that he dreamt of doing something big with a big outfit only to find out what sort of morons work for them. Truly expressed, I face such dilemmas in my life everyday where people are doing stuff just for the money and heck of it when they don't care to know anything as long as it is not gonna get them fired. With such company, I guess anyone could easily go through such depressive times which I am right now going through. I don't have a choice right now as I yet not command that respect that some technical leaders do within this community of systems & networking people. Still I do dream of a day when I could speak to a silenced seminar rooms and people listening and not having question about "THEN WHAT". May be I dream too much, but that is what is gonna make me the man I want to be.

Read more on it @
http://peterwright.blogspot.com/2006/09/good-bye-Microsoft-Pete-has-now-left.html

Keep up the spirits, Peter. I am right there with you.

Ritesh, My Friend, Thank You !!

I was going through posts on my buddy's blogs and found this. How could you read my mind like that, dude? I am so sorry for not telling you or anyone whatever that is going on but I've promised someone and I can't break that oath. You should know, right?

****************************************************************************
lost in his forest of thoughts.

Animesh this is for you

=========================================
Lost in his forest of thoughts.
=========================================

He walked through the forest,
His new found land a place in his mind
Kept hidden away from the world’s sight
he is king, the lone ruler, his kingdom without a boundary
he has ruled since he was a child
the hair grey , shows weariness, his forehead wrinkled
his eyes still smile, catch yours, transfix them
and then he laughs sometimes, into the empty night
talks to it, I guess he is mad
I still don’t agree to my guess though, I admit his sanity
He lived his way, hurt, alone, in sad
but you can never tell, he never told you
he didn’t tell me, but I watched him as I grew

He died today, in his sleep
he was holding an envelope, the money he owed
I was tired of declining so I drove to pick it up
I read a note attached, “brother here is yours “,
“I cannot go with dues at hand.”
I felt my heart sink in my chest
Poor brother Ani had died
now his soul is lost,
lost in his forest of thoughts.

Once more, I lost it! :-(

I haven't been to office during the last week after something happened on Monday. I don't know why is it affecting me so much when I should have taken it in a stride. I guess it's all the pent-up frustation of a lot of things which just needed a trigger and this proved to be more than just a shot in the arm. I just can't reconcile with the fact that I have lost it once again, another precious jewel which ain't mine anymore.

I think it's now time that I learn some lessons. It's time to respect the fact that others need their time, space & liberty as much as I need it. I can't hurry anything or anyone and it has to happen at its own pace; and if it has to never happen, well do I need say more?

I know you won't talk to me and I promise I won't ask you questions. May be I will take it to grave with me but I promise not to bother you, ever again...


Saawan Beeto Jaye Pe Harwa
Saawan Beeto Jaye Pe Harwa
Mann Mera Ghabraye
Mann Mera Ghabraye
Aeso Gaye Pardes Piya Tum
Aeso Gaye Pardes Piya Tum
Chain Humein nahin Aye
Chain Humain nahin Aye

Mora Saiyaan moh sey bolay Na
Mora Saiyaan moh Sey bolay Na

Mein Laakh Jatan Kar Haari
Laakh Jatan Kar Haar Rahi
Mora Saiyyan Moh Say Bolay Na
Mora Saiyyan Moh Say Bolay Na

Tu Jo Nahin to Aisay Piya hum
Tu Jo Nahin To Aisay Piya hum
Jaisay Soona Aanganaa
Jaisay Soona Aanganaa

Nain Tehaari Rah Neeharey
Nain Tehaari Rah Neeharey
Nainnan Ko Tarsao Na
Nainnan Ko Tarsao Na

Mora Saiyaan moh Say bolay Na
Mora Saiyaan moh Say bolay Na

Mein Laakh Jatan Kar Haari
Laakh Jatan Kar Haar Rahi
Mora Saiyyan Moh Say Bolay Na
Mora Saiyyan Moh Say Bolay Na

Pyar Tumhain Kitna Kartay Hain
Pyar Tumhain Kitna Kartay Hain
Tum Yeh Samajh Nahin Pao gay
Tum Yeh Samajh Nahin Pao gay

Jab Hum Na Hongay to Peharwa
Jab Hum Na Hongay to Peharwa
Bolo Kya Tab Aaoge
Bolo Kya Tab Aaoge

Mora Saiyaan moh Sey Bolay Na
Mora Saiyaan moh Sey Bolay Na

Mein Laakh Jatan Kar Haari
Laakh Jatan Kar Haar Rahi
Mora Saiyaan moh Sey Bolay Na
Mora Saiyaan moh Sey Bolay Na
Mein Laakh Jatan Kar Haari
Laakh Jatan Kar Haar Rahi

I came across a blog which was about a girl who is trying to find out what she is and what she really want to be. I happened to come across her site through updated blogs and was hooked to her words right from the word start. Can someone be so expressive, I don't know. Perhaps it's because I always try to restrain myself from expressing my trueself. Why; don't ask me, but whenever I tried to be myself, people around me tried to change me. I don't understand that where is THE critical fault in my thinking / ideology but may be we could rant about it some other day. It's about her, the way she held me mesmerizer with her simple way of talking with words. I am sometimes so like those girls who want to cry when they are happy or laugh in anguish. I wish I could watch my favorite "Jerry Maguire" with a girl holding my hand, silently sobbing with me when Renee Zellweger says, "You had me at Helo". It always lands me in tears. Sometimes, Silence says it all when words are at a loss.

Isn't it, Swati. I hope you had come tracking me back.

Unworthy of Title

Well there are morons and then there are idiots. I happen to see both the kinds everyday. Some of the first kind call me on a regular basis. Not that they are that habitually; They are so just out of circumstances. I wouldn't even ever like to call them so, but when the pent-up frustation gets better of me, I just can't help it. I am sorry folks but I am that miserable sometimes. You people are too sweet and understanding to say anything derogatory. I am sorry from the deepest point of my heart for calling you names when the real reason for my frustation is something else.

Now coming to something real, my real source of frustation is the bunch of characters who sit around me, but not in its real sense. Not everyone around me is so, most of them are genuinely good people, just like the people whom I speak with over the phone on a regular basis. But a sizable bunch of them are such b*#$&@!~, just don't ask me to descrive that 'special tribe'. I don't understand how do they handle critical situation in their lives. I mean with no IQ at all, they are just adding no value to anything; the organization, the callers, knowledge pool & their ownself. Never have I seen so unmotivated bunch of idiots thinking they will make it real. What an Illusion, huh .! Not any of them deserve to call themselves engineers when they don't F*@&&*! know what they are dealing with. It's like arming Monkeys with swords to protect you from intruders. That makes it to podium finish for a Perfect Plan for Suicide!

Enough said...

Wanna Trip? Join Me!

After another stupid, incoherent, worthless, etc. etc. week; I am now gonna trip on something during the weekend. Too sad, my sis will be here, but will still try to steal a few moments of peace and live in a hallucinated heaven. Never have I been so motivated...

Mekaal Hasan Band

These days, I am listening a lot to Mekaal Hasan Band. Somehow their Jazz-Punjabi Sufi-Classic Rock Fusion Music is just the type I would need in a stressed out situation. Somehow, time and time again, Rock has such a cooling effect when I'm flushed with anger; It just cools me down from bursting or giving up for good. And It just gets metter when fused with Indian Instruments. The only thing I could thank god for is creating Rock music. Honestly, I would have been dead by now had it not been this channel which brings me down from high mercurial levels.

By the way, for the uninformed, they are the most happening band of Pakistan Rock scene. But categorically speaking, they are not exactly Pop or Rock but a jazz-fusion band. Something like Fuzon, who like to blend indian classical music with their western influences. Mekaal got his Jazz influences while studying music in Boston School of Music (A home to many famous musician) & when he came back to Pakistan, he started recording for many leading artists. He has also played for Junoon, One of the Leading Sufi Rock bands of the Sub-Continent. One can read more about them at following places :

More on Mekaal Hasan @ Wiki - The Guitarist
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mekaal_Hasan

Mekaal Hasan Band - Official Website
http://www.mekaalhasanband.com/

A Little More on Mekaal Hasan Band's History
http://insiyasyed.blogspot.com/2004/03/sampooran-by-mekaal-hassan-band.html

Mekaal Hasan Band - Sampooran Review
http://www.eruditiononline.com/reviews/music/mhb_sampooran.htm

Check them out sometime. You would love them.

The Leaf

I took this picture a few days ago while wandering around my home. Can't believe It delivered such solid results...

Sometimes

Some times,
The words leave you wordless,
The dawn brings all darkness
You believe you win
But in the end,
You don't.

Sometimes,
You want to jump off the cliff,
Detoxify impurities in your soul,
Remove traces of anguish & sheer hatred,
Cool you heels after a bloody massacre.

Sometimes,
You want to soak the rain
Wash that potrait You drew a long time ago
In desperation, You step out of home,
Only to find a dry hot Sun laughing at you.

Sometimes,
You hate the world so much
Try & Go find a knife,
Slice the life in two,
But yesterday, you had lent that knife to your neighbor.

Sometimes,
Even the death doesn't want to embrass you,
and the life is looking down at you,
You wish sometimes
Your wishes should be granted after all,
Sometimes...

I QUIT

Beginning the day with a couple of remarks from you know whom. What a wonderful start of a day. Hating someone like world hates AIDS, I can't sit at my desk today. I never ever felt this humilited; not even that day when I was denied a promotion opportunity because of my so called arrogance. Last night, I was talking with one of my dearest friends and he said that my arrogance is my biggest shortcoming. If that be the case, let me take care of the root cause. Here today I decide that I QUIT.

Dreams & Reality

Going Nostalgic, I am picking up some pieces from my blogging past. I once started blogging with this piece of inspiration, from I don't know where. June 24, 2005 was the date...



Fly away
To a secret home.
A serendipity of no sorts
A wish of nothing.

An absolute void.
A Land of Black Charred Grass.
An Electric Blue Moon.
A Star with No Light.

Wish a Life.
So Simple as a line drawn straight.
Think of the unselfish kind.
River as it flows without a Goal.

Sunshine with Seven Colors.
Or Water with No color.
Doesn't,
Shouldn't,
Wouldn't matter
If the want is there no more.

No civilizations to change.
No bonds to break.
No rules to be made.
No paths to be followed.

Completeness in its best.
As it should have & would have been.
Alas,
It is not.
A true mirage
Still a trillion light years away.

Carry on, Laugh & Talk,
Before the Lightening strikes,
Everything would be washed away,
The day Apocalypse happens.

Run while one can,
Till the fall doesn't take the strength away.
Carry on,
Till the collision doesn't happen,

Of Satisfaction and Money,
Of Imitations and Originals,
Of Truth and Ideas,
Of Dreams and Reality...

Wish Stars Could Talk

As I write here, I am physically present @ my office, but my mind is thousands of miles away. I don't feel like working today, but to talk to someone who would just sit & hear me & no comments at all. And once I am finished, just sit with me staring the stars. Dreamy; isn't it? But not impossible, given that you have the courage to ask someone to be that someone. And I realize that I don't have. I wrote above that "Wish Stars Could Talk". What a way to dream & what a great way to escape reality. May be someday, may be today I will write something on that subject too; but it doesn't end there. My need to talk; My need of stargazing; My need of a true friend; My need of being a little courageous.

~ I AM ME ~

While going through miscellaneous blogs, I came across a piece of text which I just couldn't resist stealing. I really touched some corner of my heart for its blunt edged straight-forwardness. Here it is...

I Am Responsible For Myself

~

I am responsible for myself
~
I am responsible for living my own life
~
I am responsible for tending to my own spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial well-being.
~
I am responsible for identifying and fulfilling my own needs, wants and desires.
~
I am responsible for living according to my own values and standards.
~
I am responsible for knowing and defending my own boundaries.
~
I am responsible for solving my own problems and for living with those I cannot solve.
~
I am responsible for making up my own mind, even when this means, disagreeing with others.
~
I am responsible for re-evaluating a situation and changing my mind when appropriate.
~
I am responsible for setting my own priorities and for achieving my own goals.
~
I am responsible for my own decisions, and their outcomes.
~
I am responsible for whom I love and for how I choose to express that love.
~
I am responsible for what I do to others and for what I allow others to do to me.
~
I am not expected to be perfect.
~
I am not expected to forsee every consequence of every action.
~
I am not expected to be responsible for random events.
~
I am not expected to do more than my fair share.
~
I am not expected to be responsible for other people's actions, feelings, needs, or problems, except when I choose.
~
All of me, every aspect of my being is important.
~
I count for something.
~
I matter.
~
My feelings are valid.
~
My thoughts are appropriate.
~
I trust and believe in myself.
~
I value my wants and needs.
~
I have rights and I am expected to stand up for those rights.
~
I do not deserve and will not tolerarte, abuse or constant mistreatment.
~
The decisions I make, and the way I coduct myself, will reflect my high self-esteem.
~
I am unique and special.
~
Within me is infinite value.
~
~ I AM ME ~

~
author unknown

Raging Heart

Something I wrote during my weekend trip. This is a heavily edited version of what I initially felt like, but this comes quite close to what I wanted to express then than what I had initially written. A few more works to be smoothened, let's see...


Sitting by the sea,
Here I am again,
Back to a place I’ve been before.
Where I once saw a future
Some things I couldn’t see coming then;
Or did I just ignore them?

Remembering the days,
I watched it rain heavily,
the Great Arabian Sea stretching before me;
Reminding days from my past,
Images of me
Praying, writing, celebrating, crying.

I promise today,
I won’t shed a tear for her.
I will be never go back in the jungle of those memories,
Ever again…

I’ll come back again,
Someday in future.
When I’ll have a past,
I would be so proud of.
It will be the same sea,
And so will the resort be.
I won’t come alone then,
With me, I will have that someone special.

That day would be so unlike today,
When I lead a life aimless & soulless;
When I struggle to find a cause to live,
When my eyes stay glued on the road to my heartland,
Hoping that someone would walk this way one day.

There she will be then,
Keeping me warm in stormy nights;
Hush my raging heart
Look at me benevolently & kiss my cold forehead;
Spread her warm feathered wings over me
Tuck me into the bed & Kiss me Goodnight.

I am not sure if I have already completed this thought, but I would rather publish it here today than forgetting it forever.


Again a bad dream,
I came out of my bed & looked around,
Shaking, fearful of darkness,
Surrounded by my fears,
This insecurity that I can't fight.

Bogged down with responsibilities,
I am held back,
Like a river by a dam,
I am dying to break free;
Run wild again,
Just as it used to be,
Once upon a time.

But I can't even pity me,
Let me be corrupted by a handful of bugs,
It all looks so remotely controlled,
That I can't even imagine;
What lies ahead.

Again I feel depressed,
Suppressed by demons in my head,
And I let go,
Silent watch my darkest thoughts come true,
Do I not want to live,
Nah, that isn't half the truth,

So here I go again,
Gutting my dream house to a handful of ashes,
& mourn a few more days,
To resurrect myself some other day.

Just after I came back from seeing my team loose the match, I am asked a question about my presense for last couple of hours. And before I could answer it completely, I am given a glimpse of a beautifully drafted letter; of course for me, who else did you think. I mean I just missed it by a couple of minutes. Does that supposed to mean that I am subjected to such treatments and given it a name of management exercise to check my temperament. Good Lord. As much as I feel it's a disgusting practice, I can't think what next to expect or not expect. But I shall add it to my book of NOs and shall stand by them.

Back at it again!

Today, I feel lost like all those argetine people who are feeling dejected after their country's loss in World Cup. I so wanted them to win this world cup but they lost it to Germany. I don't know what to say but .....

All Apologies

Time and Time again, I have found this song so close to me. Whenever I am at my wits end, I just have to listen to the song. Somehow it has got such a calming effect on me. I simply don't know what magic Kurt had woven in this, but I want this to be played on my funeral. My truest apologies to all those I haven't been fair to are expressed to my utmost satisfaction in these few lines. Here we go,

All Apologies By Kurt Kobain

What else should I be
All apologies
What else should I say
Everyone is gay
What else could I write
I dont have the right
What else should I be
All apologies

In the sun
In the sun
I feed as one
In the sun
In the sun
Im married
Buried

I wish I was like you
Easily amused
Find my nest of salt
Everything is my fault
Ill take all the blame
Aqua seafoam shame
Sunburn with freezerburn
Choking on the ashes of her enemy
All in all we all are

I am back at it again. I guess I love my online diary. I don't know what I am thinking, whether I understand it and if I am writing down what I am thinking actually. But it takes all the pain to digest whatever I've blurted out. Isn' that great that you have a confidante which will take all the pain to hear you out without saying a word or arguing over nothings. I don't know if these are acts of a lunatic but as far as I understand myself, I don't think I've yet transcended the boundaries to become one. You see, I am still writing here; I am not yet chained so that I kill myself. But how long is what I am trying to understand. Everyday, something triggers the timer inside me a little more and then I grow a little more impatient to break free. If you are thinking that I am being suicidal, please don't be so optimistic about it. I am just tired of living inside this skin which is so infested with blood-sucking bugs. I mean I am just 25 and I feel like I've lived a century. What next! Isn't that the question before everyone. Managers trying to become senior managers, AVPs trying to become CEOs, Small time politians trying to become presidents, young executives trying to be the next big thing on the front page of TIME, Oh man, com'n give me a break...

Sometimes I feel that Kurt Kobain felt the same way. He could no longer took people's affection a normal person would. How can you keep living upto lame expectations knowing that your potential is so radically different and more than what is being projected right now. Why can't people just accept the simple fact that you need to be treated a little differently because you are not like everyone. Everytime I walk around the people, I see so much enthusiasm inside them for invading other's private space. For what? I don't know. The more I try to know is the more I try to throw myself out of a top floor window of a 28 floor building. Those few seconds of liberation would be so wonderful; wouldn't it be?

But even I have to dream, I have to be numb in order to feed my lungs with a dash of fresh air. For how long, I don't know but the clock is ticking. I am not gonna be long here where I am right now. People don't understand me anymore & I don't understand them. So probably, someday I will walk away again for a few days; to find out something I left somewhere...

I so wish I had the power to leave this place and work somewhere where breathing freely and thinking original is not a sin. Living a vegetable life here & following crazy rules, I have ceased to be the person I was just before I came to Bombay to become something. No doubt, I have gained a lot of industry exposure and a lot of knowledge I probably could have not, but this job didn't give me the power I now possess. This was my efforts and not just my employers' gratitude.

But in the process of meeting with professional goals, I have lost my originality completely. I no longer think or try to analyze, hate to see data and observation habit is dying every minute. I just wake up in the morning with bloodshot eyes & a searing headache is always when I leave my bed. I walk upto the washbasin and look at my face and voila! I can't say that it's me!!!!!!!

Then I gather some more strength by lying like a dead body for a few minutes and then I gather my stuff to get on with another useless day when I just don't know what happened during the entire day. And I come to know that the day has finally ended when I am so tired that I just can't walk, pull my feet up and take another stride. Somehow I reach home and just fall dead for another 6-8 hours knowing that is the only peaceful moment in my life. Something has gotta change. I just can't go on living like this, being stupid, plain naive idiot that I am not, being absolutely worthless with no self-esteem left to carry on with. Someday I gotta just do it. When I can't say for sure but that day is coming closer. Somewhere I have already sown the seeds of revolt, but it isn't a reality yet. But soon it will be, I shall be confront my worries and fight them to chase them to death. Let's see who wins...

Going by things happening, I believe that the time has come when I unplug myself again, be the loony self I was when I was most happy, independent and carefree. Like a mountain stream, I refuse to die without putting up a fight. Still, the twisters in my head are a bigger worry for me than measly worldly things. Another battle begins in my mind and shall continue for next three months atleast contemplating what shall I do now. No God, I ain't gonna bow before you. You know it very well that this war is gonna prolong for sure. Let's see what next...

Sometimes it's so hard to think properly that it drives you crazy on deciding whether it is right or wrong. The sense of making sense doesn't seem to work in times like these ones. These days, when it is not raining but it is cool outside and humid inside the room, I just feel so exhausted lying in bed waiting to sleep. When I am not studying, I am listening to songs, and when I am reading, I am just trying to remember the glory days. It isn't a easy life living a vegetable existance, but heck, do I care?My forms of enjoyments are these limited to going out of my home and a short walk to the hillside nearby. But this feels so good; reminds me of the days when I went to Rajasthan and Jammu. One heck of a trip that was

Freedom of Speech

For all those people who love to think and love to put those expressions in words, I had the worst nightmare today. When I came to office and tried opening some of my friends' blog sites; to my horror I discovered that they are no longer accessible. Now I know that working for Microsoft has its own share of advantages and disadvantages, but today I felt like that was it. It really could have not been any worse, for the most basic right to speak out your mind was being taken away for me. I for a while felt a little choked. I know from my past experiences that the company I work for (Wipro and not Microsoft; they are just our client), they could any length to do all sorts of silly things to show off to their clients that they care. Bull shit. Applying Thoughts; Only in their dreams. In reality, they try every outrageous thing you could probably not dream of, to scare their employees. But that is another story. Somewhere I had already written about Big Companies, Foolish Think-tank (I believe My MSN Space). Whatever. Now at 2 AM in the night, after that shocking treatment about 12 hours ago, I am finally able to write again. I am free, again...

HURRAY..................

Hey DJ

Back To Blogging After A Long Time.

It has been a long long time that I have written anything in this public diary of mine. Looking back at the events of last few weeks, I have a lot of tales to write about. But let's see how my are acutally penned down.

Quite a few days ago, I was thinking where my life is heading now. I am trying to quite an organization which is giving me back nothing but misery in lieu of my efforts. But whenever I try to bust a move, I fall. So why that?

Am I that sick. Answer is definitely a no.
Am I trying not honestly enough. Probably!
Am I developing some kind of phobia or scared of unkown or something else. DEFINITELY.

So what is it that is ailing me; coming in my way of rise to glory. Let me ask you a question. Have you see the Movie "Rang De Basanti". Okay; so you have. Then you know DJ; Oh that's your favorite character. Or is it Siddharth, the silent hero of the movie (Later the voice of a generation). Whatever...

While DJ was talking to Sue that One day everyone will leave. It will never be the same again; she asked why did he think so. DJ said that everyone he has seen in last few years have gone on to do something. Someone is trying to do MBA; Someone is becoming a space engineer, etc. But he is just too afraid to leave the campus. Life outside is too harsh. The struggles in life make you the same what peple have been for generations; Run of The Mill. Following the societal norms, you tend to forget somewhere what you dreams were, what goals you had set for yourself once. Suddenly your dreams are completely colorless. You just stop being the guy you once were.

I guess I am going through the same phase of life as DJ. (Isn't it so easy imaging yourself as celebrity). When I look back at my past (which I often do when I have nothing to do), I see myself transitioning from one type of person to another; without a protest; without thinking. I am just changing, moulding myself to people's wishes and not fulfulling my own wishes. Somewhere I am suppressing my character so much that it has crying of my being unfair to my very own existence. Isn't it crazy. Yes, I believe so. But I can't help. I am just too scared to come out of the comfort zone that I am these days in. I know I don't like it as much I was a few months ago; but I can't help. I am scared of leaving for a destination which is completely unknown. With a new start becoming somewhat necessesity, I am growing more and more scared of lonelier days ahead. And with my phonebook completely empty of any friend whom I can rely on when I need a shoulder to cry on, I am growing more and more desperate. For what, I can't answer; for I don't know the answer myself.

I just hope that

The End

And btw, thinking of thoughts... Let me add something I was trying to add a few days ago. I never got the chance to have a second look at it, but i guess it is complete...

Sometimes,
I think I want to write.
I want to let out something bubbling inside
But just then;
the rush vanishes...

Suddenly, I no longer can think,
what to write,
how to express,
the feelings yearning to come out...

Sometimes,
A thoughts enters my mind,
Hits a wall and disappears
Leaving a trail of mysterious blue,
Making me wonder,
Where to go
What to do..

A stillborn idea with nowhere to end,
A paper lying on the table
With smudged writing all over it,
No; I can't read anything.
Nor can you;
It is so distorted.

Mesmerized,
Hypnotized,
Confused;
It is fast becoming my nature.
I guess I am becoming one of them,
Run of the mill,
Of a system around us all.

I try to walk,
Break away from Slumber slowly shadowning me,
But I fall down
lying still
Bleeding,
Pleading.

Staring a the roof of the world;
Until it gets murkier
Little by little;
I loose sight of it,
and then,
There it is,
No Sound,
No Movement,
The End.

Oh,,, Kolkataaaaaaaaa........

Thinking of going down the memory lanes, it makes me feel so sick & nostalgic that I can no longer think beyond my days in Kolkata. Yes, despite living in a modern city like Mumbai, Kolkata can have that affect on you. As they say, Aamar Shonar Kolkata.

The trams running through the grounds, in the middle of the roads, the crowded buses, the grand writers building, The Esplanade, The Park Street, Oooooffff.... Don't make me think of it or I will no longer be able to work in Mumbai. I am somehow attached to the city. Is it because of my Sweet Dadu, or my childhood summer vacation hangout, or because there lives a girl who used to be my best friend & my love.

But.......... Whatever it is, Yes, I do crave to go back and have fill that air in my blood, to make me run for a few more years. And when I run out of that air, I shall come back again; to get a little more O2; to run a little more.

One more day, I was sitting the whole night before computer thinking, working, sleeping, eating, dreaming, crying, bla bla bla... My thoughts went through a flashback as I tried to remember who I used to be a few years ago? I was never so serious, goal-oriented, take it as it comes attitude lad. But somewhere down the stream, It was meant to change. Not that I wanted to, but that is what we call destiny. And now look at me, writing here about my life experiences; past, present & future...

And that brings me to the point. I wonder what causes us to write about our experiences in love. Is it the love or the pain or the wait that we have to go through. Is it really that great a feeling. I don't think so. But isn't it interesting that some people say that that first love is enough for a lifetime to remember and all you remember are the thoughts that you would have wanted to share otherwise; you know, with that someone special. It makes me think, dream, live those wicked thoughts, but can not agree on what is more beautiful... the love, the pain or the never-ending wait...

Today, I am reaching a point where it is time to decide. Nowadays, I am fighting a loosing battle & it's just a matter of days when I finally call quits. The stage has been set up for me to play down my importance in the org & walk out & walk on. I have tried honestly to prove my self time and time again, but when I look back at the past, I am compelled to think and say, "I am a misfit in this whole process". It just isn't the way I like to work. For me, the ownership of the initiative is of utmost importance, but sadly, i don't feel the same vibes here. People just like to stagnate here. They don't want to grow somehow. So sad.


I guess, I would be happier somewhere else. It is not just something that I am trying to run away from. Enough blood has already been drawn from my veins. These leeches won't leave unless I burn them, cut them with a knife and separate from my body. I may get hurt, but that will be for a better tomorrow. I just pray that I don't land up doing another something I don't like.

Shadow

I have been through a really turbulent phase not so long ago. And reminscences of it still come to haunt me from time to time. Times are getting better though and better things are on their way to me, but today, while sifting through various CDs, I came across some stuff I used to write in that time and this one thing I wrote during that era. God knows in what state of ming I ever managed to write this, but this is something from the dark age.

===========================================

Since the ages unknown,
A shadow has been walking in the woods
Some say he was buried alive
Some say He died in a plague outburst.

Since the ages unknown
A shadow has been wandering at the moor.
Looking for the traces of his scary past,
Like something is hidden or buried there,
God knows what he is looking for.

The truth is,
he is a ghost.
He still trawls the sea in night,
looking for its hidden jewels & unfulfilled wishes.
He protects the lost ships from sinking;
He sails them home safe in the hurricanes,
strong & stubborn.

He just stands there with a lantern,
like a lighthouse,
watching out for the coming storms.
He just keeps on walking,
Without expecting anything in return,
He is just a shadow,
waiting for his fate unknown.

He believes,
Someday there will be a time
when peace will walk his way.
He will also be escorted to his new home,
Someplace where he will rest in peace & watch the white moon glow.

Till that day,
He has vowed,
To be good,
than be an evil;
And make things good,
That earlier he couldn't.

Untitled

Sometimes,
I think I wanna write.
I wanna express something bubbling inside
but just then the rush vanishes
And I remain still,
Point blank on how to proceed,
What to write,
How to express..

Sometimes,
A thoughts enters my mind,
Hits a wall and disappears
Leaving a trail of mysterious blue,
Making me wonder,
Where to go
What to do..

A stillborn idea with nowhere to end,
A paper lying on the table
With smudges of writing all over it,
No; I can't read anything.
Nor can you;
It is so distorted.

Mesmerized,
Hypnotized,
Confused;
It is fast becoming my nature.
I guess I am becoming one of them,
Run of the mill,
Of a system around us all.

I try to walk,
Break away from Slumber sloing shadowing me,
and I fall down
and lay still
Bleeding,
Pleading.

Staring a the roof of the world;
Until it gets murkier
Little by little;
I loose sight of it,
and then,
There it is,
No Sound,
No Movement,
The End.

After a long long time

It has been a long time since I honestly tried writing. I just couldn't write something then because I also didn't have the time to think on what is going on. And before I realised, a lot of things had happened. My B'day had come and gone, been through excellant and bad health state and an upbeat mood replaced by sulk later.

I wouldn't try to delve into details and spoil my mood now as I am sitting in office doing nothing much. But will be following this up with something I wrote today.