Hey DJ

Back To Blogging After A Long Time.

It has been a long long time that I have written anything in this public diary of mine. Looking back at the events of last few weeks, I have a lot of tales to write about. But let's see how my are acutally penned down.

Quite a few days ago, I was thinking where my life is heading now. I am trying to quite an organization which is giving me back nothing but misery in lieu of my efforts. But whenever I try to bust a move, I fall. So why that?

Am I that sick. Answer is definitely a no.
Am I trying not honestly enough. Probably!
Am I developing some kind of phobia or scared of unkown or something else. DEFINITELY.

So what is it that is ailing me; coming in my way of rise to glory. Let me ask you a question. Have you see the Movie "Rang De Basanti". Okay; so you have. Then you know DJ; Oh that's your favorite character. Or is it Siddharth, the silent hero of the movie (Later the voice of a generation). Whatever...

While DJ was talking to Sue that One day everyone will leave. It will never be the same again; she asked why did he think so. DJ said that everyone he has seen in last few years have gone on to do something. Someone is trying to do MBA; Someone is becoming a space engineer, etc. But he is just too afraid to leave the campus. Life outside is too harsh. The struggles in life make you the same what peple have been for generations; Run of The Mill. Following the societal norms, you tend to forget somewhere what you dreams were, what goals you had set for yourself once. Suddenly your dreams are completely colorless. You just stop being the guy you once were.

I guess I am going through the same phase of life as DJ. (Isn't it so easy imaging yourself as celebrity). When I look back at my past (which I often do when I have nothing to do), I see myself transitioning from one type of person to another; without a protest; without thinking. I am just changing, moulding myself to people's wishes and not fulfulling my own wishes. Somewhere I am suppressing my character so much that it has crying of my being unfair to my very own existence. Isn't it crazy. Yes, I believe so. But I can't help. I am just too scared to come out of the comfort zone that I am these days in. I know I don't like it as much I was a few months ago; but I can't help. I am scared of leaving for a destination which is completely unknown. With a new start becoming somewhat necessesity, I am growing more and more scared of lonelier days ahead. And with my phonebook completely empty of any friend whom I can rely on when I need a shoulder to cry on, I am growing more and more desperate. For what, I can't answer; for I don't know the answer myself.

I just hope that

The End

And btw, thinking of thoughts... Let me add something I was trying to add a few days ago. I never got the chance to have a second look at it, but i guess it is complete...

Sometimes,
I think I want to write.
I want to let out something bubbling inside
But just then;
the rush vanishes...

Suddenly, I no longer can think,
what to write,
how to express,
the feelings yearning to come out...

Sometimes,
A thoughts enters my mind,
Hits a wall and disappears
Leaving a trail of mysterious blue,
Making me wonder,
Where to go
What to do..

A stillborn idea with nowhere to end,
A paper lying on the table
With smudged writing all over it,
No; I can't read anything.
Nor can you;
It is so distorted.

Mesmerized,
Hypnotized,
Confused;
It is fast becoming my nature.
I guess I am becoming one of them,
Run of the mill,
Of a system around us all.

I try to walk,
Break away from Slumber slowly shadowning me,
But I fall down
lying still
Bleeding,
Pleading.

Staring a the roof of the world;
Until it gets murkier
Little by little;
I loose sight of it,
and then,
There it is,
No Sound,
No Movement,
The End.

Oh,,, Kolkataaaaaaaaa........

Thinking of going down the memory lanes, it makes me feel so sick & nostalgic that I can no longer think beyond my days in Kolkata. Yes, despite living in a modern city like Mumbai, Kolkata can have that affect on you. As they say, Aamar Shonar Kolkata.

The trams running through the grounds, in the middle of the roads, the crowded buses, the grand writers building, The Esplanade, The Park Street, Oooooffff.... Don't make me think of it or I will no longer be able to work in Mumbai. I am somehow attached to the city. Is it because of my Sweet Dadu, or my childhood summer vacation hangout, or because there lives a girl who used to be my best friend & my love.

But.......... Whatever it is, Yes, I do crave to go back and have fill that air in my blood, to make me run for a few more years. And when I run out of that air, I shall come back again; to get a little more O2; to run a little more.

One more day, I was sitting the whole night before computer thinking, working, sleeping, eating, dreaming, crying, bla bla bla... My thoughts went through a flashback as I tried to remember who I used to be a few years ago? I was never so serious, goal-oriented, take it as it comes attitude lad. But somewhere down the stream, It was meant to change. Not that I wanted to, but that is what we call destiny. And now look at me, writing here about my life experiences; past, present & future...

And that brings me to the point. I wonder what causes us to write about our experiences in love. Is it the love or the pain or the wait that we have to go through. Is it really that great a feeling. I don't think so. But isn't it interesting that some people say that that first love is enough for a lifetime to remember and all you remember are the thoughts that you would have wanted to share otherwise; you know, with that someone special. It makes me think, dream, live those wicked thoughts, but can not agree on what is more beautiful... the love, the pain or the never-ending wait...