लोरी

छन्न से आवाज़ आयी,
बिखर गया शीशा फर्श पर,
सामने एक चेहरा था मुझे चिढाता हुआ
आईने में बना हुआ प्रतिबिम्ब मेरा,
जैसे मुझे पर ही हस्ता है।

सहा जाये ना अब मुझसे
ये जग हंसायी का मंज़र
हर कण लहूलुहान कर जाए मेरे कदमो को
बेध जाए दिल के परदे को हज़ार बाण।

छलनी मन को लिए फिरता मैं दर बदर
मिले ना फिर भी सुकून जहाँ में
बदरा छाये आसमा पर
फिर भी लब सूख गए मेरे,
झरनों के इस मौसम में।

रेगिस्तान की तपती रेत सी जिन्दगी
छाया का दूर दूर तक नमोनिशां नही,
कोई आसरा, कोई मंज़िल नहीं,
ना बाकी है कोई अल्फाज़,
दबी है इन रेत के टिब्बो में मेरी ख्वाहिशे
दफ़न इसके गर्भ में कुछ सपने,
और, मेरी परछायी।

रूह मेरी खानाबदोश अब,
इस शहर, कभी उस शहर,
सदियों से मिला नही एक मकान,
जो कहे कि आ मित्र,
तेरा नया बसेरा है यहीं।

अफ़सोस ना कर फिर भी ऐ दिल
इन अनगिनत दरवाजो के पीछे तुम छुपी हो मेरी माँ,
खोल दो अपना आँचल,
समा लो मुझे आज अपने अंक में।

थक गया हूँ मैं,
अपनी नन्ही थपकियों से मुझे सहला दो,
नहला दो मुझे ममता से
सींच दो मेरे प्यासे मन को अपने दुलार से,

आज आयी है मेरे घर,
सावन की घटा जन्मों के बाद,
भीग कर सरोबर कर दो,
जाने दो मुझे अब,
बहुत भटक लिया मैं नगर-नगर।

अब आराम से लिटा कर,
फिर से सुला दो छुटपन सा,
नींद ना आये सदियों से माँ,
आज फिर वही लोरी सुना दे।

कर अपने लाल को हँसकर कर विदा
अपने पल्डे पर सिर रखकर सपने फिर से सजा दे,
मुस्कुरा दे माँ अब,
फिर से वही लोरी सुना दे।

Among all people, I am all alone
Among all hearts, I am unloved
Among all goals, I am aimless
Among all friends, I am lonely.

I walk a step ahead, & two back at the same time
I dream of heaven in night, & live in hell at the same time
I sleep restless, to wake up numb
I live everyday to die every night, to rise again next day.

Walking through shards of mirror of mine
I bleed to lead, to bleed once again sometime.
Act sane before all, to go insane in loneliness
Contradiction of sorts is this ghostly existence of mine.

Rescue me sweetheart, or let me go
Hold on to me tight, or give me a blow.
Decide my fate, hang me not till infinity
Life is running away too fast, & the end is arriving too slow.

Iris

Sometimes it is extremely difficult for me to understand what I am? I have been trying to get back to 'A' but in reality I am only allowed to live as 'K'. Another post on self assessment (!?!) but rather the truth is that I have long forgotten who I really am? I feel like I have lost my voice somewhere along with my innocence & wisdom. My life at this moment is in complete shambles, a sort of contradictions of all the meanings of anything I know. What do I do? Does anyone know an answer to this?

All I could think of is Goo Goo Dolls singing IRIS.

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Iris

And I'd give up forever to touch you
cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
cause sooner or later its over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you cant fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everythings made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everythings made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I dont want the world to see me
cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everythings made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

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Remembrance of An Soon-To-Be Bygone Era

Another time, I have not been to office for more than 10 continuous days. I didn't care to either inform anyone or tell anyone about my whereabouts. I just didn't feel the need to inform a bunch of people who hasn't long cared for those people who make them what they are today, Manager! Good Joke! Yes, my managers are worse than the worst binch of mismanaged jokers but what I can say. They are what they are and not willing to change. Can't help it.


I don't know what kind of relation I have with W*; love it & hate it at the same time. Can't live in it and incomplete is my existence without it. So many months, so many people, so many precious memories, so many thoughts. But like everything comes to an end, it is coming to an end too. 15th March is the day and as it is coming closer, a sense of gloom & ecstacy, a feeling of belongingness & mutual distrust are turning up inside me strangely. I am going to leave a lot of things behind & carry forward a lot of others, a lot of mixed baggage which wasn't entirely my own purchase but thrust upon me, but I will still do the needful. But in this whole process, I have lost my true self somewhere. As I look back at last 1 and half year of blogging, I see myself describing all sorts of pain, frustation, a strange state of inertia, heading nowhere. From being a very normal person, I have grown to be a sort of a loner and I like myself in that sort of state. It gives me the ability to think clearly and power to know myself much better which is something very few people can claim and I am proud of it. I have learnt a lot of interesting new things in a very short frame of time.


As I look back a little further, these four years in Mumbai have transformed me into a completely different person. Like the one in the movie, 'A Beautiful Mind'. I know the comparison of two characters are too big, but so are similarities. One day, I am sure my schizophrenia would take over my existence. I am not saying this in a state of depression or despair, but I can foresee the storm building far away. I find myself getting a good hand at everything, like photography, writing, computer science, management, history, philosophy, travels, etc. But just when I am about to find a meaningful existence in life, and a few things I do to amuse myself; I find them to be meant to the fulfillment of someone else's happiness; & I am back at work, at square one because they are scared of knowing the real me. In this strange mix of of sheer intelligence, creativity, passion, devotion & dedication, I am not sure how soon I would reach the state of being certified schizophrenic. I am slowly getting extremely scared of people's now...


While reading some literary works, I came across this piece of poetry, which is a perfect description of my state of affairs..

Will

YOU will be what you will to be;
Let failure find its false content
In that poor word "environment,"
But spirit scorns it, and is free,

It masters time, it conquers space,
It cows that boastful trickster Chance,
And bids the tyrant Circumstance
Uncrown and fill a servant's place.

The human Will, that force unseen,
The offspring of a deathless Soul,
Can hew the way to any goal,
Though walls of granite intervene.

Be not impatient in delay,
But wait as one who understands;
When spirit rises and commands,
The gods are ready to obey.

The river seeking for the sea
Confronts the dam and precipice,
Yet knows it cannot fail or miss;
You will be what you will to be!


Written by Ella Wheeler Wilcox


PS:- There may be a day in not so distant future, when I might very well disown these thoughts being mine in their entirety or partly. Would love to see what future holds in its chest of treasure for me...

I am writing this after a long long time. It has been quite some time since I had an honest chat with anyone. Not that I never enjoyed the time with you, but there is something I am hiding, just to be with you. The objectivity of goal is an unknown quantity for I stand to gain nothing or everything. But sometimes, you can't provide a sound logic for everything you wish to do. Like when you want to joke, Like when you want to play, Like When you want to fight, Like when you want to pray among so many other things.

I am trying to gauge exactly what I am going through and what I want to achieve out of it. Last few blogs of mine have been filled with inspirational people, hatred, frustration, melancholy. I need to know why? Why suddenly so many bouts of unhappiness. Just because I am trying to be what I want to be? Just for trying to be good, a loving and caring person I am trying to be. Wish someone could answer that. I've finally gotten rid of P just now. She was no different than last time and it's good that I am giving her up, letting her go for good finally. She deserved it; & no more.

What about you? You seem to know my dreams and reality pretty well. What do you think of it? I have heard so much about him. But what I can say for sure that the two of us had the best times while we were together. Over-confidence; please don't read too much. We felt it every time we talk, say things, fight, discuss & most importantly dream. What you don't know is something I long wanted to tell but always suppressed, for the time wasn't ripe, nor my knowledge of you and others surrounding you. I wanted you to know that I am in love with you since that day I saw you standing ankle deep in the sea watching the cloud gather over the sea. I wanted to tell you that it is not just an infatuation but an understanding that is very much understated just because of a few factors. I wanted you to know that you make me dance on the street without any self-consciousness feelings. I wanted to you to know that I could do so many things when I just feel your presence around me. You become some sort of additional motivation, hope, energy that I was missing somehow before your arrival. I know that these feelings are mutual & we are just waiting for some turn of fate, some strange turn of events to prove what I am writing with an absent mind. But even in this absent mind of mine, you are everywhere.

Still, there are some more things I want to tell you but I fear what it might achieve if I go on to say it actually. I just don't know what impact it may have to point a finger at myself. Why do I say myself; because I will be pointing a finger at a real life mirror of me, You. If I ever say or do something for you, it stands the same for me. We dream of the same, yearn to do similar things, live the same way, have same beliefs & values, goals in life; in a single word the vision of life is the same for both of us. May be a couple of things are different, but we are true copies of one another.

But what I am running away from, I can't or don't even wish to say in my dreams, and I don't know if I ever say that in a fit of madness what is going to happen after that. I wish I could explain to you like an adult and understand your reaction but the very nature of this nightmare would not let it be the way I wish I could be. The end result? I would have broken my mirror with it & therefore own self portrait & no one would want to do that to anyone unless they are enemies. Are we at that point now? This question is driving me insane. I don't know the answers to my questions, for the key to the door lies with you. Tell me honey, what do I do? See the disaster happen which only takes place so far in my nightmares or hurt you once to make you realize that it isn't worth pursuing because so many other people are connected to it too? I wish I could find better answers than the ones I have to this question. Help me, please. I am scared, dead scared of hurting you & myself in this entire process. I am waiting...

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If I Could

I wish I could tell you
What I feel like
When you stay away from me & don't wish to talk
While the rest of the world is a guest in your heart.

I wish I could share your sorrow
When you are lonely & don't feel like reaching out
The agony you go through when you don't have anyone to listen to you
Stay confined in your boundaries; trust everyone but me
Silently walk past my desk & not give me a look or a smile.

I wish I could tell you the untold tales
Few ideas I thought we would and should discuss
Those unfinished chats that began and ended before ending
The time we planned together but never spent.

I wish I could...
I wish I simply could...

I wish I could show you my dreams
The infinite colors you fill them with
Getting drenched in the first rain of the season
The morning walks we talked of taking
Climbing the hills together, going out for rappelling.

Recite the poems that I write from time to time
Take you out on dinners under the starry sky,
Hold you dancing to the music.
Tell you all my achievements & share my happiness
Sharing my vision of life; & hear your part of it.

I wish I could tell you
How you long lissome hairs have me hypnotized
Your smile lights up the darkest of my days
How your dreamy chats holds me breathless,
Wanting more at the same time.

I wish I could let everything out of my heart.
I wish I just simply could...

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