Just after I came back from seeing my team loose the match, I am asked a question about my presense for last couple of hours. And before I could answer it completely, I am given a glimpse of a beautifully drafted letter; of course for me, who else did you think. I mean I just missed it by a couple of minutes. Does that supposed to mean that I am subjected to such treatments and given it a name of management exercise to check my temperament. Good Lord. As much as I feel it's a disgusting practice, I can't think what next to expect or not expect. But I shall add it to my book of NOs and shall stand by them.

Back at it again!

Today, I feel lost like all those argetine people who are feeling dejected after their country's loss in World Cup. I so wanted them to win this world cup but they lost it to Germany. I don't know what to say but .....

All Apologies

Time and Time again, I have found this song so close to me. Whenever I am at my wits end, I just have to listen to the song. Somehow it has got such a calming effect on me. I simply don't know what magic Kurt had woven in this, but I want this to be played on my funeral. My truest apologies to all those I haven't been fair to are expressed to my utmost satisfaction in these few lines. Here we go,

All Apologies By Kurt Kobain

What else should I be
All apologies
What else should I say
Everyone is gay
What else could I write
I dont have the right
What else should I be
All apologies

In the sun
In the sun
I feed as one
In the sun
In the sun
Im married
Buried

I wish I was like you
Easily amused
Find my nest of salt
Everything is my fault
Ill take all the blame
Aqua seafoam shame
Sunburn with freezerburn
Choking on the ashes of her enemy
All in all we all are

I am back at it again. I guess I love my online diary. I don't know what I am thinking, whether I understand it and if I am writing down what I am thinking actually. But it takes all the pain to digest whatever I've blurted out. Isn' that great that you have a confidante which will take all the pain to hear you out without saying a word or arguing over nothings. I don't know if these are acts of a lunatic but as far as I understand myself, I don't think I've yet transcended the boundaries to become one. You see, I am still writing here; I am not yet chained so that I kill myself. But how long is what I am trying to understand. Everyday, something triggers the timer inside me a little more and then I grow a little more impatient to break free. If you are thinking that I am being suicidal, please don't be so optimistic about it. I am just tired of living inside this skin which is so infested with blood-sucking bugs. I mean I am just 25 and I feel like I've lived a century. What next! Isn't that the question before everyone. Managers trying to become senior managers, AVPs trying to become CEOs, Small time politians trying to become presidents, young executives trying to be the next big thing on the front page of TIME, Oh man, com'n give me a break...

Sometimes I feel that Kurt Kobain felt the same way. He could no longer took people's affection a normal person would. How can you keep living upto lame expectations knowing that your potential is so radically different and more than what is being projected right now. Why can't people just accept the simple fact that you need to be treated a little differently because you are not like everyone. Everytime I walk around the people, I see so much enthusiasm inside them for invading other's private space. For what? I don't know. The more I try to know is the more I try to throw myself out of a top floor window of a 28 floor building. Those few seconds of liberation would be so wonderful; wouldn't it be?

But even I have to dream, I have to be numb in order to feed my lungs with a dash of fresh air. For how long, I don't know but the clock is ticking. I am not gonna be long here where I am right now. People don't understand me anymore & I don't understand them. So probably, someday I will walk away again for a few days; to find out something I left somewhere...

I so wish I had the power to leave this place and work somewhere where breathing freely and thinking original is not a sin. Living a vegetable life here & following crazy rules, I have ceased to be the person I was just before I came to Bombay to become something. No doubt, I have gained a lot of industry exposure and a lot of knowledge I probably could have not, but this job didn't give me the power I now possess. This was my efforts and not just my employers' gratitude.

But in the process of meeting with professional goals, I have lost my originality completely. I no longer think or try to analyze, hate to see data and observation habit is dying every minute. I just wake up in the morning with bloodshot eyes & a searing headache is always when I leave my bed. I walk upto the washbasin and look at my face and voila! I can't say that it's me!!!!!!!

Then I gather some more strength by lying like a dead body for a few minutes and then I gather my stuff to get on with another useless day when I just don't know what happened during the entire day. And I come to know that the day has finally ended when I am so tired that I just can't walk, pull my feet up and take another stride. Somehow I reach home and just fall dead for another 6-8 hours knowing that is the only peaceful moment in my life. Something has gotta change. I just can't go on living like this, being stupid, plain naive idiot that I am not, being absolutely worthless with no self-esteem left to carry on with. Someday I gotta just do it. When I can't say for sure but that day is coming closer. Somewhere I have already sown the seeds of revolt, but it isn't a reality yet. But soon it will be, I shall be confront my worries and fight them to chase them to death. Let's see who wins...

Going by things happening, I believe that the time has come when I unplug myself again, be the loony self I was when I was most happy, independent and carefree. Like a mountain stream, I refuse to die without putting up a fight. Still, the twisters in my head are a bigger worry for me than measly worldly things. Another battle begins in my mind and shall continue for next three months atleast contemplating what shall I do now. No God, I ain't gonna bow before you. You know it very well that this war is gonna prolong for sure. Let's see what next...

Sometimes it's so hard to think properly that it drives you crazy on deciding whether it is right or wrong. The sense of making sense doesn't seem to work in times like these ones. These days, when it is not raining but it is cool outside and humid inside the room, I just feel so exhausted lying in bed waiting to sleep. When I am not studying, I am listening to songs, and when I am reading, I am just trying to remember the glory days. It isn't a easy life living a vegetable existance, but heck, do I care?My forms of enjoyments are these limited to going out of my home and a short walk to the hillside nearby. But this feels so good; reminds me of the days when I went to Rajasthan and Jammu. One heck of a trip that was