Enrich

Strange were those days,
My living like a autumn leaf
Wandering directionless entire day
Flowing with the wind to destinations unknown.
Until you stepped into my life,
I stood helpless & guardless before you,
That was begining of glory days.

Feeling lost in your love
I tread now in unknown territories
Lost in a certain aloofness,
See the doe-eyed deers smiling at me,
Dream of my abode in a valley of flowers,
You playing with violet & blue daisies near the lake,
This air filled with scent of your love,
Running through my veins alongside my blood.

Once again I am in love,
Seems like I could end war with my gods,
See angels flying around me again,
Hear the cathedral bells from far away,
Running through the field in pure ecstacy,
Hypnotized by the Kohl of your eyes,
I stand with you on the shore,
Watching the Orange & Purple sky celebrating our homecoming with colors,
Waves sliding back after drenching our feet,
Ocean breeze kissing your hairs,
Whispering those sweet nothings I had been telling them all along.

I could go on and on and on,
The words woud never end
Or describe the joy in my heart.
That is how special you are,
My Sweet Dreamcatcher,
Enrich my life with your colors,
Show me the world where we truly belong.

Sufi Gods

Some say that one is just another object in the whole big sky & God is running the show. I don't believe in those type of people. I don't believe in God too. Reason? He is too much of a opposite force in my pursuits. Yet I reach the higest state of consicousness when I am listening to the Sufi songs. They eliviate me to another plains and take away all the pain that my past and God give to me. They have this strange yet charming, disarming ability to sway away one's agony that he doesn't even come to know about it.

I know everyone will jump to say that aren't you contraditing your own statement. No, I am not. I just believe that all the gods that exist in common mythology is not the way I look at that supreme entity. I don't want his assistance in achieving my goals, neither do I want him to create or destroy anything that belongs to me. Let me handle it. I have enough power to carry it myself. I am bothered & disturbed most when you try to change an element in my life. Just be a silent watcher, not a catalyst. You will see a happier me.


PS: May be someday I will write more on this. Let's see.

I feel like running towards a speeding train and colliding with it and then disappear like a smoke in the air. Somebody tranquilize me before I actually do it...

I fail to understand that what could have changed overnight. Someone who until recently waved at me from a mile's distance, now just simply won't recognize my presence. Is that all I am worth for what I was before !?! Damn it, I don't get the answers, ever!

Hai Apna Dil to Awara, Najane Kis Pe Aayega ;)

Sometimes, I am not quite sure what I want. I just want to run away from people, not accept anything but seek solace in my own thoughts and just live the life for the moment, for that day & not longing to see anything or anyone but my work & the things around. Something like the song from Nelly Furtado

I'm like a bird
I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is
I don't know where my home is


But I know something for sure.

Hai apna Dil to Awara,
Najane Kis pe Aayega. ;)

Sleepless In Seattle!

Baby, curb your enthusiasm. No, I am not in Seattle, but I've been quite sleepless in last couple of weeks. No matter whatever little 3/4 hours sleep I get, it is never enough. Insomniac I am, may be a crisis always turns me into one. Who knows? Not me at least!

Damn Me!

I've been living on the edge for quite some times & now dangling dangerously to a nervous breakdown after the way customers and managers have been acting lately. I guess I am reaching the cusp of breakpoint that I fear is my limit. I never thought it could be so severe on me. I know I have a choice of solution, to accept the fact that it ain't mine or do something about it. But to coexist with it at the same plain is not the answer I am ever going to be happy with. Do I foresee a failure? Are You Kidding? I have never lost and I won't but quitting ain't loosing always, certainly not in my store of thesaurus. I know I am sort of behind in the race by many a miles, but...

Either I am running short of words or I am doing a perfect job of hiding my idiocracy. Let's see how far it goes on like this.

Spiderman, Strings & Me

Another day & I see no ray of hope coming in yet. There've been very few times when I have been so disillusioned and this being one of them, I can't help but go over the things time and time again. I can't seem to lay my fingers on something that could say it wasn't my fault. All I could feel is that How helpless Spidy must've been when he had to choose between his love & duties that automatically became his responsiblity with the powers that came with it. He is a normal person with this gift which he didn't want. But I guess all the great men assume responsibilities with such ease that it rather becomes such a part of their life that they can't part with it. I am not yet such a great but Not my Spiderman, Neither do I want to escape it.

At this moment, I can only think of the Strings song for Spiderman Movie. I don't know how do they write such beautiful lyrics but here they are...


Title: Na Jane Kyun
Album/Movie: DHAANI [ALBUM] / OST - Spiderman (Hindi)
Singer(s): STRINGS


Dekho kaise parbat se baadal gaye
Barsenge yeh ab kahan
Dekho kaise phoolon se khushbu gayi
Mahkegi yeh ab kahan

Sukh ban gaye sapne
Sab kho gaye apne
Dil bhujh gaya, ghar jal gaya
Na jaane kyoon, na jaane kyoon
Yaadon ka phir aanchal uda
Na jaane kyoon, na jaane kyoon

Dekho kaise haathon se jugnu gaye
Chamkenge yeh ab kahan
Kyoon so gayi shaamein
Kat na saki raatein
Dil bhujh gaya, ghar jal gaya
Na jaane kyon, na jaane kyon
Yaadon ka phir aanchal uda
Na jaane kyun, na jaane kyun

Dekho kaise parbat se baadal gaye
Barsenge yeh ab kahan
Dekho kaise phoolon se khushbu gayi
Mahkegi yeh ab kahan

Today, I went back to my room & found it in such a complete disarray that I just wanted to shout at my roomie. Then I found I was too tired to do anything so I just put my clothes in the bucket to wash them in the evening and go dead. Life has been pretty frustating (oxymoron) in last one week when I am not getting answers to any of my questions and I truly hate being hanging in nowhere. I've slept very little (less than 6 hours in last 3 days), been drinking frequently to subside this rage inside me and who knows what not do I do when I am in such a frenzy.

So I slept like a king from 12 noon to 8.30 PM and had to wake up finally to find that I had to wash my clothes I had soaked in the afternoon. Did the needful and got ready and out of my home just to find that my pickup didn't come or call me (When did I start caring for Pickups). Another bout of frustation hit me before I did find one company cab standing near my pickup point. I took it and came to office 25 minutes later than when I am supposed to be in. What a great start to my day! But then, What else can I expect in this place which I've explained in left at place before. Let's just hope my day goes well.

Back To Future !?!

Today, I opened Blogger to post something I was thinking about when I came to office and logged back in. Then, right there on the Blogger front page was this link which talked about a strange new world and things that made me go and read. And what a wonderful reading it has been. The best thing I liked about the Author (Peter) was his honesty in admiting that he dreamt of doing something big with a big outfit only to find out what sort of morons work for them. Truly expressed, I face such dilemmas in my life everyday where people are doing stuff just for the money and heck of it when they don't care to know anything as long as it is not gonna get them fired. With such company, I guess anyone could easily go through such depressive times which I am right now going through. I don't have a choice right now as I yet not command that respect that some technical leaders do within this community of systems & networking people. Still I do dream of a day when I could speak to a silenced seminar rooms and people listening and not having question about "THEN WHAT". May be I dream too much, but that is what is gonna make me the man I want to be.

Read more on it @
http://peterwright.blogspot.com/2006/09/good-bye-Microsoft-Pete-has-now-left.html

Keep up the spirits, Peter. I am right there with you.

Ritesh, My Friend, Thank You !!

I was going through posts on my buddy's blogs and found this. How could you read my mind like that, dude? I am so sorry for not telling you or anyone whatever that is going on but I've promised someone and I can't break that oath. You should know, right?

****************************************************************************
lost in his forest of thoughts.

Animesh this is for you

=========================================
Lost in his forest of thoughts.
=========================================

He walked through the forest,
His new found land a place in his mind
Kept hidden away from the world’s sight
he is king, the lone ruler, his kingdom without a boundary
he has ruled since he was a child
the hair grey , shows weariness, his forehead wrinkled
his eyes still smile, catch yours, transfix them
and then he laughs sometimes, into the empty night
talks to it, I guess he is mad
I still don’t agree to my guess though, I admit his sanity
He lived his way, hurt, alone, in sad
but you can never tell, he never told you
he didn’t tell me, but I watched him as I grew

He died today, in his sleep
he was holding an envelope, the money he owed
I was tired of declining so I drove to pick it up
I read a note attached, “brother here is yours “,
“I cannot go with dues at hand.”
I felt my heart sink in my chest
Poor brother Ani had died
now his soul is lost,
lost in his forest of thoughts.

Once more, I lost it! :-(

I haven't been to office during the last week after something happened on Monday. I don't know why is it affecting me so much when I should have taken it in a stride. I guess it's all the pent-up frustation of a lot of things which just needed a trigger and this proved to be more than just a shot in the arm. I just can't reconcile with the fact that I have lost it once again, another precious jewel which ain't mine anymore.

I think it's now time that I learn some lessons. It's time to respect the fact that others need their time, space & liberty as much as I need it. I can't hurry anything or anyone and it has to happen at its own pace; and if it has to never happen, well do I need say more?

I know you won't talk to me and I promise I won't ask you questions. May be I will take it to grave with me but I promise not to bother you, ever again...


Saawan Beeto Jaye Pe Harwa
Saawan Beeto Jaye Pe Harwa
Mann Mera Ghabraye
Mann Mera Ghabraye
Aeso Gaye Pardes Piya Tum
Aeso Gaye Pardes Piya Tum
Chain Humein nahin Aye
Chain Humain nahin Aye

Mora Saiyaan moh sey bolay Na
Mora Saiyaan moh Sey bolay Na

Mein Laakh Jatan Kar Haari
Laakh Jatan Kar Haar Rahi
Mora Saiyyan Moh Say Bolay Na
Mora Saiyyan Moh Say Bolay Na

Tu Jo Nahin to Aisay Piya hum
Tu Jo Nahin To Aisay Piya hum
Jaisay Soona Aanganaa
Jaisay Soona Aanganaa

Nain Tehaari Rah Neeharey
Nain Tehaari Rah Neeharey
Nainnan Ko Tarsao Na
Nainnan Ko Tarsao Na

Mora Saiyaan moh Say bolay Na
Mora Saiyaan moh Say bolay Na

Mein Laakh Jatan Kar Haari
Laakh Jatan Kar Haar Rahi
Mora Saiyyan Moh Say Bolay Na
Mora Saiyyan Moh Say Bolay Na

Pyar Tumhain Kitna Kartay Hain
Pyar Tumhain Kitna Kartay Hain
Tum Yeh Samajh Nahin Pao gay
Tum Yeh Samajh Nahin Pao gay

Jab Hum Na Hongay to Peharwa
Jab Hum Na Hongay to Peharwa
Bolo Kya Tab Aaoge
Bolo Kya Tab Aaoge

Mora Saiyaan moh Sey Bolay Na
Mora Saiyaan moh Sey Bolay Na

Mein Laakh Jatan Kar Haari
Laakh Jatan Kar Haar Rahi
Mora Saiyaan moh Sey Bolay Na
Mora Saiyaan moh Sey Bolay Na
Mein Laakh Jatan Kar Haari
Laakh Jatan Kar Haar Rahi

I came across a blog which was about a girl who is trying to find out what she is and what she really want to be. I happened to come across her site through updated blogs and was hooked to her words right from the word start. Can someone be so expressive, I don't know. Perhaps it's because I always try to restrain myself from expressing my trueself. Why; don't ask me, but whenever I tried to be myself, people around me tried to change me. I don't understand that where is THE critical fault in my thinking / ideology but may be we could rant about it some other day. It's about her, the way she held me mesmerizer with her simple way of talking with words. I am sometimes so like those girls who want to cry when they are happy or laugh in anguish. I wish I could watch my favorite "Jerry Maguire" with a girl holding my hand, silently sobbing with me when Renee Zellweger says, "You had me at Helo". It always lands me in tears. Sometimes, Silence says it all when words are at a loss.

Isn't it, Swati. I hope you had come tracking me back.