Another time, I have not been to office for more than 10 continuous days. I didn't care to either inform anyone or tell anyone about my whereabouts. I just didn't feel the need to inform a bunch of people who hasn't long cared for those people who make them what they are today, Manager! Good Joke! Yes, my managers are worse than the worst binch of mismanaged jokers but what I can say. They are what they are and not willing to change. Can't help it.
I don't know what kind of relation I have with W*; love it & hate it at the same time. Can't live in it and incomplete is my existence without it. So many months, so many people, so many precious memories, so many thoughts. But like everything comes to an end, it is coming to an end too. 15th March is the day and as it is coming closer, a sense of gloom & ecstacy, a feeling of belongingness & mutual distrust are turning up inside me strangely. I am going to leave a lot of things behind & carry forward a lot of others, a lot of mixed baggage which wasn't entirely my own purchase but thrust upon me, but I will still do the needful. But in this whole process, I have lost my true self somewhere. As I look back at last 1 and half year of blogging, I see myself describing all sorts of pain, frustation, a strange state of inertia, heading nowhere. From being a very normal person, I have grown to be a sort of a loner and I like myself in that sort of state. It gives me the ability to think clearly and power to know myself much better which is something very few people can claim and I am proud of it. I have learnt a lot of interesting new things in a very short frame of time.
As I look back a little further, these four years in Mumbai have transformed me into a completely different person. Like the one in the movie, 'A Beautiful Mind'. I know the comparison of two characters are too big, but so are similarities. One day, I am sure my schizophrenia would take over my existence. I am not saying this in a state of depression or despair, but I can foresee the storm building far away. I find myself getting a good hand at everything, like photography, writing, computer science, management, history, philosophy, travels, etc. But just when I am about to find a meaningful existence in life, and a few things I do to amuse myself; I find them to be meant to the fulfillment of someone else's happiness; & I am back at work, at square one because they are scared of knowing the real me. In this strange mix of of sheer intelligence, creativity, passion, devotion & dedication, I am not sure how soon I would reach the state of being certified schizophrenic. I am slowly getting extremely scared of people's now...
While reading some literary works, I came across this piece of poetry, which is a perfect description of my state of affairs..
I don't know what kind of relation I have with W*; love it & hate it at the same time. Can't live in it and incomplete is my existence without it. So many months, so many people, so many precious memories, so many thoughts. But like everything comes to an end, it is coming to an end too. 15th March is the day and as it is coming closer, a sense of gloom & ecstacy, a feeling of belongingness & mutual distrust are turning up inside me strangely. I am going to leave a lot of things behind & carry forward a lot of others, a lot of mixed baggage which wasn't entirely my own purchase but thrust upon me, but I will still do the needful. But in this whole process, I have lost my true self somewhere. As I look back at last 1 and half year of blogging, I see myself describing all sorts of pain, frustation, a strange state of inertia, heading nowhere. From being a very normal person, I have grown to be a sort of a loner and I like myself in that sort of state. It gives me the ability to think clearly and power to know myself much better which is something very few people can claim and I am proud of it. I have learnt a lot of interesting new things in a very short frame of time.
As I look back a little further, these four years in Mumbai have transformed me into a completely different person. Like the one in the movie, 'A Beautiful Mind'. I know the comparison of two characters are too big, but so are similarities. One day, I am sure my schizophrenia would take over my existence. I am not saying this in a state of depression or despair, but I can foresee the storm building far away. I find myself getting a good hand at everything, like photography, writing, computer science, management, history, philosophy, travels, etc. But just when I am about to find a meaningful existence in life, and a few things I do to amuse myself; I find them to be meant to the fulfillment of someone else's happiness; & I am back at work, at square one because they are scared of knowing the real me. In this strange mix of of sheer intelligence, creativity, passion, devotion & dedication, I am not sure how soon I would reach the state of being certified schizophrenic. I am slowly getting extremely scared of people's now...
While reading some literary works, I came across this piece of poetry, which is a perfect description of my state of affairs..
Will
YOU will be what you will to be;
Let failure find its false content
In that poor word "environment,"
But spirit scorns it, and is free,
It masters time, it conquers space,
It cows that boastful trickster Chance,
And bids the tyrant Circumstance
Uncrown and fill a servant's place.
The human Will, that force unseen,
The offspring of a deathless Soul,
Can hew the way to any goal,
Though walls of granite intervene.
Be not impatient in delay,
But wait as one who understands;
When spirit rises and commands,
The gods are ready to obey.
The river seeking for the sea
Confronts the dam and precipice,
Yet knows it cannot fail or miss;
You will be what you will to be!
Written by Ella Wheeler Wilcox
PS:- There may be a day in not so distant future, when I might very well disown these thoughts being mine in their entirety or partly. Would love to see what future holds in its chest of treasure for me...
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