I am writing this after a long long time. It has been quite some time since I had an honest chat with anyone. Not that I never enjoyed the time with you, but there is something I am hiding, just to be with you. The objectivity of goal is an unknown quantity for I stand to gain nothing or everything. But sometimes, you can't provide a sound logic for everything you wish to do. Like when you want to joke, Like when you want to play, Like When you want to fight, Like when you want to pray among so many other things.

I am trying to gauge exactly what I am going through and what I want to achieve out of it. Last few blogs of mine have been filled with inspirational people, hatred, frustration, melancholy. I need to know why? Why suddenly so many bouts of unhappiness. Just because I am trying to be what I want to be? Just for trying to be good, a loving and caring person I am trying to be. Wish someone could answer that. I've finally gotten rid of P just now. She was no different than last time and it's good that I am giving her up, letting her go for good finally. She deserved it; & no more.

What about you? You seem to know my dreams and reality pretty well. What do you think of it? I have heard so much about him. But what I can say for sure that the two of us had the best times while we were together. Over-confidence; please don't read too much. We felt it every time we talk, say things, fight, discuss & most importantly dream. What you don't know is something I long wanted to tell but always suppressed, for the time wasn't ripe, nor my knowledge of you and others surrounding you. I wanted you to know that I am in love with you since that day I saw you standing ankle deep in the sea watching the cloud gather over the sea. I wanted to tell you that it is not just an infatuation but an understanding that is very much understated just because of a few factors. I wanted you to know that you make me dance on the street without any self-consciousness feelings. I wanted to you to know that I could do so many things when I just feel your presence around me. You become some sort of additional motivation, hope, energy that I was missing somehow before your arrival. I know that these feelings are mutual & we are just waiting for some turn of fate, some strange turn of events to prove what I am writing with an absent mind. But even in this absent mind of mine, you are everywhere.

Still, there are some more things I want to tell you but I fear what it might achieve if I go on to say it actually. I just don't know what impact it may have to point a finger at myself. Why do I say myself; because I will be pointing a finger at a real life mirror of me, You. If I ever say or do something for you, it stands the same for me. We dream of the same, yearn to do similar things, live the same way, have same beliefs & values, goals in life; in a single word the vision of life is the same for both of us. May be a couple of things are different, but we are true copies of one another.

But what I am running away from, I can't or don't even wish to say in my dreams, and I don't know if I ever say that in a fit of madness what is going to happen after that. I wish I could explain to you like an adult and understand your reaction but the very nature of this nightmare would not let it be the way I wish I could be. The end result? I would have broken my mirror with it & therefore own self portrait & no one would want to do that to anyone unless they are enemies. Are we at that point now? This question is driving me insane. I don't know the answers to my questions, for the key to the door lies with you. Tell me honey, what do I do? See the disaster happen which only takes place so far in my nightmares or hurt you once to make you realize that it isn't worth pursuing because so many other people are connected to it too? I wish I could find better answers than the ones I have to this question. Help me, please. I am scared, dead scared of hurting you & myself in this entire process. I am waiting...

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If I Could

I wish I could tell you
What I feel like
When you stay away from me & don't wish to talk
While the rest of the world is a guest in your heart.

I wish I could share your sorrow
When you are lonely & don't feel like reaching out
The agony you go through when you don't have anyone to listen to you
Stay confined in your boundaries; trust everyone but me
Silently walk past my desk & not give me a look or a smile.

I wish I could tell you the untold tales
Few ideas I thought we would and should discuss
Those unfinished chats that began and ended before ending
The time we planned together but never spent.

I wish I could...
I wish I simply could...

I wish I could show you my dreams
The infinite colors you fill them with
Getting drenched in the first rain of the season
The morning walks we talked of taking
Climbing the hills together, going out for rappelling.

Recite the poems that I write from time to time
Take you out on dinners under the starry sky,
Hold you dancing to the music.
Tell you all my achievements & share my happiness
Sharing my vision of life; & hear your part of it.

I wish I could tell you
How you long lissome hairs have me hypnotized
Your smile lights up the darkest of my days
How your dreamy chats holds me breathless,
Wanting more at the same time.

I wish I could let everything out of my heart.
I wish I just simply could...

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